People are dumb. Males are dumb. Humans as a species were the greatest evolutionary mistake ever made. Lies are worse than murder. Betrayal is worse than murder. Are betrayal and lies the same? I suppose in essence they are. Both involve the destruction of a bond between two people. Both involve a heartbreaking deception. Both involve someone feeling as though their soul were being cut into tiny bits and another person walking away without a backward glance. Both usually involve a loved one or a friend. Because what use is betraying someone who doesn't care about you? What benefit comes from lying to someone who doesn't trust you?

Just a thought.

These are the best ever!!!

October 19, 2011

How's that for a great title? (Haha). Hey, the first issue of the Eye Of The Storm came out! I'm not sure if I've told you that already. Anyway, I got the front page place I wanted! I'm a junior editor in the next issue! Yay, me!!! Homecoming football game is this Friday, so good luck team! (Insert school spirit here). It happens to be Spirit Week at Summit, and unfortunately we seem to be rather on the shallow end in terms of spirit. The question has been raised "does Summit know how to have school spirit?" I think it does. I think we just need to find something, one common thing that makes us all so happy or so angry we can't stand it, and then we'll have enough spirit to move molehills! (Woops, I think I meant mountains... didn't I?)

Anyway, Homecoming game means Homecoming Dance. Of course! More on that after the fact, because currently, just contemplating it makes me so excited and nervous that I start shaking and missspelling things and using words like "things" etcetera... Even just then, I had to type that sentence three times and delete various words several times in order to spell correctly and articulate my meaning in a coherent fashion. And yet still somehow, "misspelling" managed to receive three s'es. Ugh. Anyway, that's Rae's World In Brief for now. More on What's News in a few days after the world has settled down a bit.

Second Week in October

First school newspaper came out. I love that. It makes me feel like I'm a part of something. A community within Summit that is its own family. I loved seeing people carrying a copy around, seeing people reading it, and hearing them talk about it. I loved the way people would ask me if I had seen this article or that, and I would just smile and nod. And humor their enthusiasm, as though I hadn't read through the article with a fine toothed comb in the editing and refining of the paper. It's like that one bundle of paper can draw the whole school together, if only for a few moments.
Alas, it seems a few moments is not enough. Summit played Bend High last night in a football match that we were sure we would win. Unfortunately, when student's egos get away from them, things tend to go wrong. 40-0, not in our favor. But on the bright side, at least that wasn't the Homecoming game. And just as a side-note, no matter what happens, the band always wins.

First week in October

Wow. Already a month into Junior year. There were two college-fair type things this week. A college visitation on Monday, and an actual fair on Thursday. But were quite informative. I feel a little weird about the fact that I actually like sitting in a stuffy room with a bunch of other snot-nosed teenagers listening to someone try to convince us to attend their college. The visitation was half the day, so I got out of science, and third period (open) and almost out of fourth period too.
On the day of the fair, school started late, and the freshman and sophomores were taking their ACT Plan and Explore tests. The bus scheduled to take us to Redmond (where the college fair was held) wouldn't be at the school until 8:50. Many people simply slept in, but my friends and I did not. In the spare time between 7:30 when we got to school and when the bus arrived, Max Dunkelberg and I went to breakfast at the Sage Cafe across the street from Summit.
A college fair is an experience quite unlike any other I have known, except maybe the videos of Saturday Markets in Singapore from the 1800's. There were so many people, it was difficult to tell where I was in relation to anything else. The colleges were represented by booths set up in long rows, and the milling chaos between the rows was the necessary highway to the other side. It's the type of thing where one has to have a plan before they enter, or they could get trampled within seconds.

Friday, there's a football game against Bend High. If Summit wins, it will be the fifth win in a row. Best of luck.

Busy busy bees!!!

Lots of stuff going on right now! Summit News Staff presents the first issue of the 2011-2012 school year paper, the football team has a game against Bend High School on Friday, (lots of pressure there, not going to even attempt to be polite about it). Also, Homecoming draws ever nearer. I had an awesome time at lunch today playing Scrabble with Cheezits with Max Dunkelberg. I am positive I spelled cheezit incorrectly, but at this point, it doesn't really matter much.
Poor Mr. McDonald is ill!!! He evidently has water in his ear (although how that correlates to being ill, I have no idea.)
We made videos in AP Language and Composition. I think people liked mine, but I can't really tell from everyone's reactions. Part of that might be the fact that I went first. I like to set the bar really high. (It's just one of those things...)
I'm boycotting events in large groups of unnecessary people. This means most group events, but alas, I am a solitary creature at heart. (I'm sure there's a reference to some great piece of Literature in there somewhere, but I can't quite remember what it might have been.)
What else... too much for me to think of right now. Although I will doubtlessly be writing frantically sometime next week as well. Does once a week seem like enough? I feel like every day might start to get a bit monotonous....

PS: Two college fairs this week! Woot! I'm attending both of them like the good little word nerd that I am. Tee Hee!!!

Best freeking week EVER!!!!!!!!!

Wow. What a week. Basically, I am so ridiculously happy I can't even stand it. Why? Here's the long story short. I get asked to homecoming, and my first article for the school newspaper makes the front page. How do these things happen to me????? Oh, and Summit won the third football game in a row. This time, at home and evidently, the turnout was amazing.
So, about the homecoming deal, I'm not really sure how it happened. But I'm really happy about it, mostly because there's a possibility for something beautiful to come of it. And I've waited a long time for that. Hope isn't something I generally allow myself to feel very often, simply because it usually begets disappointment. But I think maybe I should change that this time around. Because I hope this works out. And I hope it continues to work out for quite some time.

Signing off until further developments:

Semper Fidelis,
Rae

Can You Say JUNIOR???!!!

Hey all, guess what? I am officially an Upper-classman. Yes, ME, Rae. I can leave campus for lunch and Hulburt can't even sniffle about it because it's totally within the rules. HA! So there.

But besides that, I have discovered a number of things. The first, is that three months is both way too short for summer break, and way too long. The second, is that whether or not it's a proper length, the summer provides time for an enourmous amount of personal growth. The gap between the person I was when I left Summit last June and the person I am now is huge. My goal for the year is to learn how to listen. Really listen, with my whole brain, and not be thinking about other things while other people are talking. Also, not to give people advice unless they ask for it. And that there are times to speak with the mind and times to speak with the heart. I hope this year will be wonderful, actually, I know it will. Because the football team just won a game for the first time in two years. That's big news!
Also, while I'm at it, I'll say that for all the things I learned this summer, one of my favorites can be summed up in a quote by good old Teddy Roosevelt: "Do what you can with what you have where you are." To me, this means that you do what you can and that's all you can do. Because if you try to do too much, you can lose sight of what your trying to accomplish which ends up helping no one.

I'll try and keep this updated, but with seven classes a day now, the homework load is kinda... well... large. In any case, I'll be back soon I think. As soon as possible anyways. Have a wonderful unspecified amount of time until then!

A memory...

"There was a certain beauty in knowing that I was dying. Knowing that soon, I would have nothing to worry about; no fears or trepidation, no meaning-of-life sized puzzles to keep me up at night. There would be no more nights for me, as this would be my last. And there was an eerie comfort in that. No moments of indecision, no mistakes, no second guessing. I would jump, and it would end. The constant noise, swirls of consciousness from minds not my own, would become a deafening silence that no one alive would hear. Yes, I would end it tonight, under the crystal sky and the moon so bright I could almost see my empty soul reflected in its surface. Here with the icy water bellow, everything would end."

~ January of 2006

Hey all, I know I haven't written in a while. Summer has been so short, and at the same time sooooo long. I can't wait to get back to school. But I really want to have more time to relax. I keep thinking that when I go back to school, I'll be an underclassman still. It seems a little intimidating to believe that this is the third year out of four years of high school. This year will be a good year I feel. The fact that I actually have some friends now is an added bonus, plus, I'll be fifteen and for some reason that feels important to me.
Really, I just want to see my teachers again and my friends that I haven't seen all summer. In short, I haven't really had anything super dramatic to say this summer. But maybe after a couple of weeks in school I'll be back to my usual cynical self. All this happy summer business is starting to drive me a little bit batty. Anyways, you'll hear from me in a few weeks I suppose. Toodles until then! :)

New Entry, because I haven't in a while...

I've noticed that it's been a bit since my last entry, so I figured why not post something. However, my dilema occurs in the act of coming up with something clever to post.With nothing going on in my life except cleaning the house and the occasional giant dust bunny attack, I don't really have that interesting of a life right now.
Although it's summer, and school is finally over (thank whatever powers may be), I still seem to find that I have absolutely no life. I can't decide whether or not this is a good thing or a bad thing, since having a life seems to be accompanied by having a crap-load of drama. Which is by no means saying that I don't cause drama, or enjoy toying with the occasional psyche now and again, but for the most part, peoples' dirt is really beginning to get on my nerves. But that's beside the point.

Am I honestly having to resort to rambling on about something as shallow as the random emotional shoot-outs of day to day adolescents to fill a blog entry? Good grief.

Some faithful reader should post some ideas about a good topic for me to write about.

Hello again...

Yeah. It's only been, what? a few months or so? I really need new stuff to blog about, but to be quite frank and earnest, nothing's happened to me recently that warrants boring other people with. I can honestly say that I can't wait for summer to be here. (An unusual situation for me, since I find summer distasteful and boring.) But it will be wonderful to be able to relax and actually have a life. Maybe. I think I might have gone so long without one, that I may not know how to have a life anymore. (That is, if I ever knew in the first place.)

What the heck does that mean anyways, "get a life" ? Honestly, anyone with half a brain would know that if I'm not alive, they wouldn't be talking to me. Dead things can't resuscitate. And not-yet-alive things don't need to be told to get a life since they can't hear, and wouldn't have any control over whether or not they have lives. And inanimate objects don't have lives, never had lives and never will have lives, therefore making the aforementioned statement completely useless. I hate useless statements.

But not so much that I have to hate over half of everything people say. Because then I would just be ridiculous, and I would dislike everyone. (Which, contrary to popular beliefe, I don't.)

Oh, here's something! So, there was this "Rapture" thing, which I'm sure everyone has already heard about, and evidently, the world hasn't ended yet. Or, maybe it has, but we don't know it has, because... well... just because. But loads of people evidently believed it was going to happen. And clearly, some people believe in the whole 2012 End of Days thing. Unfortunately, I think science has a different opinion on some of these postulations of apocalypse. Oh well, I suppose people will have to worry about that when it gets here.
Although, it does make me think about the "end of the world". What would I do if I knew in advance that the world was for sure going to end? First of all, would I believe it? I would I be like I am now, and like loads of other people, and just write it off as jibberish? Maybe the Mayans were on to something, and science is wrong, and the Apocalypse is here. And maybe the Armageddon is coming and the world will end, but we just don't accept it. Maybe, all these natural disasters are signs and we are choosing to ignore them. I'm not trying to tug anyone in one direction or another, but I just want to point out that maybe... just maybe...

But here's the point: if the world were ending, and you knew, and you DID believe it would end just the way it was predicted to, how would you prepare? What would you do? Who would you talk to? What would you say? What would you tell the people you love? Would you tell them that everything was going to be all right even though all of you know it won't be? Or would you tell them the truth? Would you apologize for everything you regret, and for everything you didn't do that you wish you had? For all the hearts you broke and all the people you disappointed? Would you say every "I love you" you'd ever felt, because you knew that no one would reject you, or judge you and you didn't have to fear the bitter taste of unrequited love-- because no one would care, and after the morning, no one would be left to care?

Year, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

One should rather die than betray. There is no deceit in death. It delivers exactly what it has promised. Betrayal though... Betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. Yet it appears that all people do is betray. The world is full of secrets between two people who call themselves "friends". But friendship is a ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul. And Friendlessness is an adjective meaning: having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to the utterance of truth and common sense. Because we live as we dream. Alone. And it turns out, if you never lie there is always someone mad at you. One can always be kind to those about whom one cares nothing. Therefore, a man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. Friends are stupid. What purpose do they serve other than inspiring the betrayal of one another; so dramatic it would make Cassius proud...?
Lord defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. And in the end, we will not remember the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. And cumulatively, the silence in my life is deafening. Let that stand for the quality of the friends I had. The cruelest of lies are often told in silence. Being friendless taught me how to be a friend. Funny how that works. Between grief and nothing, I will take grief. Death before betrayal. Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Student protests took place Tuesday night because the administrators are "proposing" a seven period schedule. I'm not really sure I should share my opinion on this, as it might be offensive. Let's suffice it to say that I strongly disagree.

Yesterday, the end of the "grading period", was a half day. Meaning, a half of a half day, so school got out at eleven instead of at one, like it normally does on Wednesdays. After school, I went downtown with some friends of mine and attempted to be a social creature. Need I say "EPIC FAILURE!!"? My social awkwardness again interfered with my ability to interact with other human beings, resulting in my being very short tempered and irritable. Not to mention stubborn.

Bend seems to have made up it's mind about the weather. But who knows. We've only had twelve winters this year. Since Bend doesn't seem to be able to come to a conclusion about whether or not to accept the reality that Spring has officially started, we find ourselves in a constant state of trepidation.

Summit High School poetry club is running less than smoothly. Turns out, I suck at leading. But I suck at following too. Maybe this is something I should discuss with my shrink...

Oh well, I think that's all for now... at least, that's all my superfluously overtaxed mind can remember as of right now. So I'll probably be back as soon as something interesting happens in my ever boring life.

Hello there everyone...

Sorry I haven't been very consistant about posting lately. We've had loads of work in school, and over the break I wasn't able to because I didn't have access to a computer. FROWN! Anyways, here's the update:

Bend is sunny and warm. Yay!!!! It's about time too, we've only had about... six winters this year! Snowfall was intermittent and heavy only in the past few months. We had a snow day! The sixth one in twenty years, after having a foot and a half of snow in a single night.

Dino, my doberman, is 16 months old. Murphy, my little cockapoo with a big atitude, is three years old. Dino still thinks he and Murphy are the same size, and gets very jealous when Murphy gets held. Dino doesn't quite understand that if we tried to pick him up, we'd fall over backward!

School is a bittersweet collection of agonies. In other words, homework sucks as usual, but things are better than they have been. Also, I've started a poetry slam club and writing workshop, along with joining a historical debate group. Through this, I've made new friends and relationships with intelligent people whom I hope will be above the drama of high school.
(In case you haven't noticed, I hate drama in every form.)

I also attempted to start an AP European History study group to meet during lunch on Wednesdays leading up to exams, but no one came to it, so I stopped having it until closer to finals.

I'll post soon... I promise :)

Spring needs to hurry up

So freaking COLD!!!!! I wish spring would get here! We have still about a foot of snow. A few weeks ago, we had the sixth snow day in the district in twenty years. Good grief!!! Teachers are reveling in the opportunity to assign more homework than anyone in their right mind can keep on top of, and it looks like the slew of papers isn't slowing down any time soon. After spring break it's the home stretch, no more three day weekends or anything until summer. Maybe a few more... I think... haven't checked on the calendar though so I don't know for sure. So exhausted from school. Hardly any time for friends, which sucks, because it means that I can't be there when they fight and need to vent on an unbiased party or when they just need to talk. Wish I was three, and didn't have all this crap to deal with.

People

Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if I said everything I thought, felt, wanted or didn't want. What would people do? How would they react to seeing someone lay their soul out to the world for picking over? I imagine it would make people very uncomfortable. Which is sad.
People suffer. That is fact. Not all people suffer equally, or of the same things, but all people suffer. Someone who might be the happiest person on earth could go home and slice their ankles to bits with a knife at night. Someone with all the money in the world, who has every material object anyone could ever hope for, might only be so well off because their parents died and left them orphaned and alone. You can never tell just by looking at a person, what kind of life they have. Which is unfortunate. Because all people share pain.
I had a startling realization. The worst thing anyone can do to anyone else is pity them. Although that is seemingly the only thing a person CAN do. But the thing is, pity forces the pitied to resent themselves. And to resent yourself for something that isn't your fault is like a star resenting itself for shining.
I really dislike the phrase "don't judge." People don't know what that means, because without judgement, people wouldn't have conscience. Good grief! How ignorant the world can be some times. The key element that defines judgment is that there are two kinds: biased judgement, and unbiased judgment. Pretty straightforward. Biased judgment comes from deep within us, some ingrained mental trigger that we don't know we have until something we see or hear pulls it, and we are revolted or magnetized to whatever we judge. Unbiased judgement is pure, simple acceptance of truth. This is the hardest for humans, because humans have free will. Which enables them to form opinions about "right" and "wrong". Truth says, there is no right or wrong. Only truth.

Blender Brain

Courtesy of AP Euro, my brain has been pulverized in the blender of "textbook" on the highest setting possible. Courtesy of friends, stress level is now jacked through the roof. Courtesy of human beings, level of irritation is off the scale. And courtesy of homework from various other classes, life is really rather suckish at the moment.
Not to mention the fact that we have more snow than anyone knows what to do with. (Except the people who actually LIKE snow.) Personally, I feel that February is WAY too late in the year to be getting two feet of snow in one night.
So dog tired. Haven't slept a good eight hour night in ages.
I feel old. Like I've seen way, way too much of the world. But at the same time, I also feel relatively naive, as though I try to over-simplify everything. But really people make life way too complicated. Some days, I wish I could go back to just being a logical brain-iack with no social skills. I wouldn't have to worry about whose feelings I hurt, and I wouldn't have to worry about emotions complicating my life.
Growing up is SUCH a rip off.

Mirrors

I used to hate mirrors. But then I figured out that what a person sees in a mirror is only a perception of a reflection, not the reflection itself. In a mirror, we see ourselves physically. But we actually only see what we allow ourselves to see. Imagine having to see yourself as the rest of the world sees you. Seeing yourself through someone else's eyes. It's a cruel thing. Perhaps that is because there is a certain amount of comfort in the illusions we paint for ourselves. Illusions that would be crushed were we ever forced to know how everybody else sees us.
A friend is that way. A true friend. A best friend, perhaps. They show you who you are. The darker, nastier side of you which, when looking into a mirror, you can choose not to acknowledge. A best friend hands this to you with no qualms about it, and is still willing to be your friend anyways.
But for some people, I would imagine this can be quite frightening. I would imagine that when a friend knows you that well, they know you too well. And then, you're in dire straights to "un-know" them and distance yourself from them as much as posible. But by that time, it's too late. A friend, moreover and especially a best friend, will always show you who you are without fear. Because a best friend is honor-bound by some unspoken code of best-friend-ness to do so. Best friends work for the betterment of each other. And in doing so, they show each other themselves, and the part they would each rather not see.

New Semester

2nd semester. Yay. Hopefully this one will be a little better than the last. I'm switching science classes, which I'm happy about, but it means I won't be in the same class as my best friend. This has advantages and disadvantages. But I won't elaborate, because I feel it would be rather embarrassing to both parties concerned in the matter. I'm also spanish classes because the one I'm in now is an absolute insane asylum. It's really difficult for me to learn anything, so I'm changing my schedule. Which is nice.
I have guitar this semester, but it seems to me to be rather rudimentary. I'm hoping I'll get something out of it, but if nothing else, it's 90 minutes every other day to practice. That's a bonus. And there's a song writing portion, which will be exciting.
Speaking of guitar, the band I was going to have disbanded before ever forming, because no one got along very well. And in hindsight to be quite honest (and this is probably rude, but it's true), the whole band thing would have held me back anyways. I'm not patient, and for people who want instant results without working their tail ends off to get there, I have absolutely no tolerance. People have different levels of commitment, and I respect that. I just haven't managed to find someone who's commitment is as vehement as mine. Or if I have, they haven't spoken up... or I didn't like them very much.

Is sorry that hard to get right?

It seems to me that apologies are some of the most difficult forms of person to person verbal communications that we earthlings face. Either a person apologizes all the time, therein rendering any apology meaningless, or they never apologize. But never have I known or heard of anyone who could apologize exactly at the right time. When the two short words "I'm sorry" could have patched everything up. When those same words could save a life even.
For example: when one steps on another's toe, the appropriate response is to apologize.
When one steps on another's heart, the appropriate response is not to apologize, because there are some things "sorry" just can't fix. At these times, it is best to offer ourselves in our entirety, to risk the rejection and shunning from the one whom we have hurt, and in doing so, our actions will prove us sorry... or not.

Almost done with first semester!

Yay! First semester of sophomore year is almost over! It went by really fast. Still, I miss last year; the teachers I got last year set the bar really high, and now I'm finding myself disappointed in this year's lot. With this new change of schedule, we've been getting loads more homework, so  subsequently, I've had less time for other fun things like writing on my famous blog.
It's still cold and snowy here, though it's starting to warm up a little. Everyone is really busy. It seems like the Holiday rush perpetuated to include the entire year. I wish things would settle down, just for a little while.
Got an entire three hours of sleep last night. Can't remember the last time (before last night of course) that I slept more than a grand total of two and a half. Yay. Hoping for a repeat or better tonight. Better get started on that!

Thanks for reading and caring about my humble life!