Weekends

Rest. Time off from school. I'm actually rather thankful that this weekend came when it did. I was really getting sick of school. Last week felt like it took forever. I can't really say why, but for some reason I feel like there's so much to cram into the 35 or so days left in this school year. I wish summer was here. But adversely, I want this year to drag out, and I dread the three months isolation from normal people.

To my benefit however, I do believe I have made some good friends with whom I can keep in touch over the summer. At least, that is my most fervent hope. But what about those people I'll want to see, but won't be able to? The people whom I'll end up separated from, who may forget about our friendship altogether... it's happened before, and being on the receiving end of it, I know for a fact that I never want it to happen again. I really think that if all goes well before the last day of school, I might be able to needle my way into a few people's summer schedules... I certainly hope so anyways.

People Change, friends fall apart...

Rae's Tips To Getting Over It:

• Get out of the house: The outdoors help to allow the mind to focus on ways to solve the problems at hand, also, they help to clear the mind and relax when one is feeling overwhelmed
• Do your own business ALONE: Relish this time to yourself. You may find that the silence and space is refreshing.
• Notice and acknowledge the ones who care: We all have people who turn on us... friends we loose... and in the midst of all this, we often don't take the time to recognize the people who stick around through the thick and the thin, whether we want them to or not. They are the ones who are always there for us. They are the ones who we need to appreciate. So, in the spare time that you now have in the absence of your lost friends, thank the ones you still have for hanging in there so faithfully.
• Have FUN: Rock the house down. Go out and party, or stay in and host one. It doesn't really matter. Just make sure that you know that you can have fun without that person or those people.
• Be happy: Sure, you may feel like your heart was torn in two and patched the wrong way. Been there, done that. But really, it won't be like that forever. Make amends as best you can, and then look to a brighter horizon. You can be yourself no matter what friends you have. Happiness is a great way to fight depression. (Why thank you, captain obvious!) But really! Really, really! Don't go around letting one or two people ruin your entire life. It's just not worth it.

Keep you chin up. Smile. Because there's always someone on your side, whether or not you know they are.

Wondering...

Sometimes, I wonder if I am trying too hard... but then, I suppose if I weren't trying, I wouldn't be able to go anywhere with my life. But at what point does one need to reassess where they stand in their relationships with the people around them and what they sacrifice to keep those relationships strong? I for one, know that in matters of both friends and family, I have a tendency to take my companions for granted. My ambition, possibly the most detrimental of all of my demerits, gets in the way of my sensitivity toward others, thus rendering me rather cold and allowing me to become manipulative and conniving. I wish this didn't happen, as I realize every time it does that it costs me... whether the price is the respect of my parents, or that of my friends and my peers, I seem to have made a habit out of focusing solely on an end goal, and ignoring everyone else in my way. Sometimes, friends try and help us to achieve our goals, and sometimes we take that help... but often times, we try and push it away, insiting to our own minds that we don't need it, and that if we take the offer of aide, we weaken ourselves... Perhaps this is not true for all people and I am making a hasty judgement, but I know that it is true for me, and if you happen to be one of the people reading this that I have ever hurt in my quest for something... more... than I apologize.

It's always a surprise...

I am consistantly shocked by how easy it is to just "chill". I suppose I've spent so much of my life wound up round the axle, that I didn't really give myself any time to have fun. Maybe that was the way it had to be. Maybe, because of the things that happened, I had to be an adult before I had the emotional maturity of one. And maybe now that all the crap of the past is in the. Past and I can actually convince myself to let it go, maybe now I can learn how go have fun and hang with people and just be a teenager once in a while. I think I'd like that for a change...

Serious Tourists

So, yesterday, as I was in the car coming home from Syllabus, we were driving down SW Century and there was this white SUV that was like, stopped at an angle on the side of the road so that it's back end was completely obscuring almost the entirety of the only lane that went in that direction. There were some deer going up the hill by the side of the road.
Dad an I looked at each other and laughed. Serious Tourists! I mean really, it'd like, you'd have to be to stop in the middle of the road and go "ooooo!!! Look! DEER!!! Apparently, in Sunriver where Dad works, people actully stop in the middle of the road and get out of there car and point and snap pictures and the whole 9 yards. You'd think they'd never heard of a deer before!!! All the locals just roll their eyes and think, "yeah. Deer. They were there yesterday and they'll be there tomorrow and they'll be there the day afte that! And guess what? They're all over the place!"
It was hilarious. It totally made my day.

Life: sunny side up!

I think there comes a time in everyones life when they get b----slapped by life. Most people just keep going and ignore it. But sometimes, it goes beyond a little slap. Once entering the realm of old-school violence, it's time to say to life, "look, I get to do whatever the heck I want with you. You can try as hard as you can to hold me back, but it ain't gonna happen ." I think it was a long time after most people figured this out that I cound out what it meant not to know this... Trusting someone is completely against k nature. But after I had done so, I began to think that maybe people aren't so bad afterall and that all this time I had been blinded by my own foolish mistakes and by how I chose to see the world.

Revelations

I'm glad I got to go to Portland for spring Break. The time spent out of town, away from the typical Bend, Oregon stress, was a breath of fresh air... funny, that my fresh air is probably some of the most polluted air in Oregon... anyways, while I was away, I was able to really think about things... About my friends and my family and school. And I re-evaluated where I was in my life and what I wanted for the time being.

I realized this: That in all my years, I have always looked down on hypocrisy, always scorned people who create a false image to show the world, always claimed and blatantly exclaimed my individualism to the world... how I was different. And how I was my own person and didn't care about what anyone else thought of me or about who anyone else thought I was as long as I was happy with myself.

This was a ridiculous thing to believe. In pronouncing to the world that I was a down-to-earth realist and an individualist not swayed by the caring or opinions of others, I didn't see that what I was doing was exactly what I most disliked. I was being hypocritical. I realized that the reason I disliked those things, was because whenever I saw them in another person, it was like looking in a mirror and noticing a big HUGE zit in the middle of my forehead.

So, I dug a little deeper... into the reason I was so unhappy all the time. And I saw that all of this was causing so much stress, not to mention that I had this thing going on where I felt like I always had to get involved in other people's problems... Like I had to save them or something... I would get myself totally worked up and really upset for them and most of the time, I was just blowing it out of proportion.

I discovered that I didn't have to feel sad and depressed because others around me were sad and depressed. What good is that to them or me? It's a load easier to just be happy than to be sad anyways. When you're happy, other people who are around you can be happy too. And even though it isn't easy, looking for the happiness in everything, the reason for everything, is the only way to get through all of the toughest things that life has in store.

I realized that I had never truly been myself. Although I had always talked about it, it was just talk. But now I know that to really be happy, I have to live my own life... deal with my own problems... pick and choose my relationships and friends and not stress out over other peoples issues. And the truth is, I'm a lot easier to be around this way.

I went to the dance last night as an experiment... to see if I could actually be myself and just let it all go. To throw myself out there and shine and see who came to join the party. And I learned that it's easy. That having fun and just forgetting all the crap that goes on in everyone else's lives really isn't all that hard. There's a time and a place for everything, but I now know that I have a choice in whether or not I want to get involved. And in any case, there's always tomorrow, and by then, the problem may have fixed itself!

Dance

The '80s dance last night was soooooo freaking cool!!!! There were these awesome laser lights and it was great to get to just go and hang with my friends... for the first time I was able to really loosen up and have fun. I'm definitely doing this more often, because that was totally one of-- if not THE BEST--experiences of Freshman year.

Dance Tonight

'80s dance tonight and I am TOTALLY going to it. It will be my first one. I am way excited. I think I might actually be able to just let it go and get out there and have fun tonight... finally.

Sickness

Sickness is stupid. I hate being sick... I can't go to school, which means I get a c--p load of homework when I get back and not to mention that on the days I miss, who knows what tests the teachers could end up deciding to give out, just because I'm not there!!! Ugh.
I've spent the last two days in bed. It's been agony.

Another update though on a different note: my voice is changing again. Yes, changing as in changing tone. Because of this, I can't talk very loud, for fear of sounding like a hybrid of a smurf, Alvin the Chipmunk, and a menagerie of dying farm animals. Great timing for this to happen, as choir festival is in a week from this Tuesday (as in two days ago).