Revelations

I'm glad I got to go to Portland for spring Break. The time spent out of town, away from the typical Bend, Oregon stress, was a breath of fresh air... funny, that my fresh air is probably some of the most polluted air in Oregon... anyways, while I was away, I was able to really think about things... About my friends and my family and school. And I re-evaluated where I was in my life and what I wanted for the time being.

I realized this: That in all my years, I have always looked down on hypocrisy, always scorned people who create a false image to show the world, always claimed and blatantly exclaimed my individualism to the world... how I was different. And how I was my own person and didn't care about what anyone else thought of me or about who anyone else thought I was as long as I was happy with myself.

This was a ridiculous thing to believe. In pronouncing to the world that I was a down-to-earth realist and an individualist not swayed by the caring or opinions of others, I didn't see that what I was doing was exactly what I most disliked. I was being hypocritical. I realized that the reason I disliked those things, was because whenever I saw them in another person, it was like looking in a mirror and noticing a big HUGE zit in the middle of my forehead.

So, I dug a little deeper... into the reason I was so unhappy all the time. And I saw that all of this was causing so much stress, not to mention that I had this thing going on where I felt like I always had to get involved in other people's problems... Like I had to save them or something... I would get myself totally worked up and really upset for them and most of the time, I was just blowing it out of proportion.

I discovered that I didn't have to feel sad and depressed because others around me were sad and depressed. What good is that to them or me? It's a load easier to just be happy than to be sad anyways. When you're happy, other people who are around you can be happy too. And even though it isn't easy, looking for the happiness in everything, the reason for everything, is the only way to get through all of the toughest things that life has in store.

I realized that I had never truly been myself. Although I had always talked about it, it was just talk. But now I know that to really be happy, I have to live my own life... deal with my own problems... pick and choose my relationships and friends and not stress out over other peoples issues. And the truth is, I'm a lot easier to be around this way.

I went to the dance last night as an experiment... to see if I could actually be myself and just let it all go. To throw myself out there and shine and see who came to join the party. And I learned that it's easy. That having fun and just forgetting all the crap that goes on in everyone else's lives really isn't all that hard. There's a time and a place for everything, but I now know that I have a choice in whether or not I want to get involved. And in any case, there's always tomorrow, and by then, the problem may have fixed itself!